I am fantastically overwhelmed
                                 All in
   
   placing all my chips on the table
   It is an awkward dance
            
    stumbly,
                       bumbly
like hippos
      mimicking
cranes.
Powerful emotions
        tearing the heart into healing
      
                                                               Messy
        
                                        Beautiful
                            
                                           Love
Blue toes and pink
cheeks
life sustaining thick pulsing cord
                                
                           eyes lock all around the room
                     
                                                speaking words that cannot be
heard
                   he coughs
                  softly cries
     
                        laughter
and oh how my heart
sings
                          

 Random thoughts saved on my phone for the last few births.


******************************************

Squishy newborn head
emerging from the birth canal

Rhythmic Pulsing if the umbilical
cord

Strong kicks of newborn feet as I try to stretch him out to measure
length

Reassuring thump thump when finding the sweet spot with the
Doppler

Team

Reading my cues, knowing what to
do

Laughter

**********************************************


Mama
breathes her baby down
Music softly plays
Grandma sways
Dog stands
guard
The aroma of herbal bath fills the room
Expectations

Waiting
Love

***********************************************

I
look around the room and I see
Hands holding, comforting, supporting
I
meet eyes knowing, trusting, longing
I feel the fear, pain, exhaustion

Love thick like chocolate pudding.

On this day in 2012. I was invited into the home of someone i had never met,
into the sacred, to sit quietly and chart, to scrub out a tub, and so began my
journey as a midwife's apprentice.

This journey that I've been on this
past year has brought a lot of new little ones, most I only see for a short
time, some I don't ever hold, some I catch, and some I have had the privilege to
watch grow on Facebook, all of them have changed me...

Each day in the
office, each kick and flutter. Every strong mama that has walked through the
door has taught me to be patient, to listen.

The midnight wake up calls,
the slippery drives, the hurry, have taught me to make choices.

The
stillness, the sirens, the calls, the quick, have taught me to be organized,
respond, and trust.

The primal scream, the newborn cry,  the laughter
have taught me joy.

The bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the couch,
have taught me flexibility.

The colleagues, the doulas, the students,
the midwives have taught me the lingo, shown me the way and given me a
sisterhood.

This journey is a gift that Words can only brush the surface
to describe.

Powerful.

Love.

Miracles.





I am grateful.

Some of my favorite moments in life have been times when I was able to "come
full-circle" today was one of them.

In December of 2009, I attended my
very first home birth. Wendy called around 9pm asking if I was interested in
going with her as "2nd on" since one of her assistants was unavailable. "2nd on"
is essentially responsible for setting up, running for things as a go-for,
charting and the glorious task of clean up. I agreed and spent the next few
hours giddy at being on-call. It seemed like forever until I finally got the go
ahead to drive to the birth.
I shadowed Wendy while she assessed the mama's
progress until "1st on" arrived I instantly loved D. Funny and kind and about 9
months pregnant she along with kristin, (another assistant, now midwife, who was
able to come later on due to the birth taking 18 hours) was the one who showed
me the ropes on how to set up for a birth, keep things organized, clean out the
tub and keep things running smoothly for the boss.
We waited all night with
little progress, until 8am when things began picking up and a Tiny Baby Boy
entered this world blue as a smurf, cord wrapped around his neck and torso. He
cried and quickly pinked up. It was amazing and I was hooked!
But, I
digress....
D had her baby a few weeks later, a girl and I rejoiced seeing
the photos.
After I joined the practice officially in 2012 I was surprised
and excited to see that D was expecting again. I looked forward to her prenatal
appointments and was excited for her birth.

Today a valentine baby was
born :) and oh how my heart sings. 

She was born into her 8 year old
sister's hands and welcomed into the world by many more loving siblings. I fell
even more in love with this family throughout the labor. (There are some great
stories I will have to share another time. ) Welcome sweet baby.

At church tonight we had a wonderful guest preacher. he spoke on the well known
story about Jesus telling the fishermen to put down their nets and follow him.
He told us that in jewish culture, boys attended hebrew school in levels. 1st
they memorized the torah, if they did well they went on to memorize the rest of
scripture and finally those who were successful were sent out into the community
to find a rabbi who would disciple them. The rest were sent home to learn the
family trade. The "b team" if you will.

What was really intriguing to me
was that the young men who were chosen to learn from the rabbi followed so
closely that they were said to be covered in the dust if the rabbi. It became a
complement, a sign of commitment and zeal. In order to learn how to be a rabbi
the students would practically cling to his robes, their goal was glean as much
knowledge as they could from him.

The sermon got me thinking so I did
some reading this evening on the saying "may you be covered in the dust of your
rabbi" .

I had always heard rabbi translated as teacher, one article I
read stated that, "These teachers were called “sages” before 70 AD (hakamim, or
“the wise”). After that the title “rabbi” began to be used."


Sages...Hold up... Did you know that another word for midwife is
sage-femme?

Hang with me on this for a minute.

Midwifery is a
skill best learned by the apprenticeship model, watching, and eventually doing
along side someone (or many someones) who has experience. A teacher, a
sage-femme, a wise mentor.

Let's connect this back to the story of the
fishermen. Jesus was always hanging out with the outcasts of society, so it
doesn't come as a surprise that he called out to the fishermen, the ones who
didn't make the cut back in Hebrew school. Even though i know i have been called
to be a midwife, and can't imagine doing anything else, I know I am not the
greatest student. I make a ton of mistakes, I am quiet, I tend to step back
because I am afraid of messing up. I am so blessed to have been welcomed into
the practice of a wise and caring midwife that keeps me around despite my
shortcomings. I am the "b team" chosen from right field and for that I am
grateful.

This lenten season, as I add and subtract things from my life,
in order to serve the Lord and live deeper into my calling. I can only hope that
someday, someone will be able to say to me, that I am covered by the dust of my
rabbi, in midwifery yes, but even more so I want to be covered in the dust of my
Rabbi; My savior, creator of unique community, the one who loves me more than I
will ever imagine.


(For more information check out:  
http://offqueue.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/dust_rabbi.pdf  and
http://ourrabbijesus.com/2012/01/27/covered-in-the-dust-of-your-rabbi-an-urban-legend/)